If the Equality Act 2010 prohibits discrimination against transgender children in schools, why does the new ‘guidance’ for schools suggest that it is okay to deadname and misgender them? Should a man who has been seen mocking trans women be making decisions on how best to support transgender children? Thankfully this is guidance and not law, but how many schools will stand up and support the children in their care while the media continue to spread lies and manipulate public opinion?
It’s a scary time for the LGBTQ+ population as what sounds like a new Section 28 is being discussed, and that’s without even considering the terrifying news that keeps coming out of certain parts of America. As a parent the new guidance keeps circling around in my head. The potential damage is catastrophic. Only one of my three children remains in school and she most definitely currently identifies as ‘she’ and I don’t see that changing. Being part of the LGBTQ+ community, with a firm stance that the ‘T’ is most definitely part of that, I would like to think that if any of my children had been questioning their gender that the school would not need to inform me because I would already know, but I am also aware that this might be wishful thinking. Sometimes our children have secrets and things they are trying to work out for themselves, regardless of whether they are safe to share that, they might not want to just yet. If I was informed, I know that I would be supportive. Like many parents I would be scared for them, worried about what their life will look like and whether they will feel safe to walk down the street, but they would be safe in my home and I would do my very best to make sure they were safe everywhere else too. But I have seen plenty of examples where this is most definitely not the case. What about those children? The ones that might have it ‘beaten out of them’, the ones that might be mentally abused as a result, the ones that might decide they have no other option but to remove themselves from the situation. It happens, let’s not pretend it doesn’t.
The idea that the Head can say no to protect other children is ludicrous, what impact is there on other children? And don’t tell me that they are scared little girls will be abused in toilets. I have a child in school and I can tell you the toilets are the most regulated places in that building. They are already not allowed to go during lessons without a chaperone and the doors are guarded during breaks, supposedly to ensure they are not wasting time with their mates or smoking and vaping. Plus, the girls are just being abused elsewhere, but that’s okay, because they have regular assembly’s about that, which I am sure will fix the problem. Note the sarcasm.
The idea that it is okay to remove a safe space from children that might not feel they have it anywhere else is horrifying. Especially as research quite clearly notes that suicidality is high amongst transgender youths and that this is impacted by school belonging and emotional neglect by parents (Austin et al, 2020), and that transgender and non-binary youths are less likely to attempt suicide if their gender identities are affirmed and respected (The Trevor Project, 2021).
Then there is the transgender staff in these schools, what is this guidance saying to people about the way they can treat them?
I truly hope that schools will stand up against this ‘guidance’ and continue to support their transgender students in a way that enables them to feel their gender identity is respected, and I fervently hope that we eventually get leaders who support rather than mock minorities, but maybe that is again wishful thinking!
Blog Posts
Review: Juno Dawson ‘Her Majesty’s Royal Coven’ – much more to the book than it’s beautiful cover!
I can’t lie, one of the reasons I was attracted to this book was the bright pink cover. Not the best way to choose reading material generally but what can I say, we were visiting the LGBTQ+ wonders of Manchester, slightly hungover after a night on Canal Street, and there were just so many options in front of me. I had seen some posts on Twitter that intrigued me, again the cover probably helped by drawing my attention when scrolling, but there is most definitely more to this book than its cover.
It is so difficult to write a review about this book without drawing parallels to or mentioning another witch/wizard writer, however the last thing I want to do is celebrate that author in any way so I will refer to her only as She Who Shall Not Be Named or SWSNBN. This novel is everything that was lacking in those written by SWSNBN. It celebrates queer lifestyles, whilst drawing attention to prejudice and discrimination, from both inside and outside of the LGBTQ+ community. The key themes couldn’t be more relevant in today’s society and political landscape. It has all the fantasy and escapism you’d want from a witchy story, with a message that actually matters. As I was reading it, I couldn’t help but think how much of a difference it would make to the attitudes of the next generation if they grew up reading this instead. I also couldn’t help but think this is everything the likes of SWSNBN argues against. I wonder if instead of Twitter posts, online debate and protests, this book should instead just be sent to the GC lot and be done with it. A prettily presented overview (I know not everybody loves bright pink) of some of the key arguments surrounding gender, sexuality and discrimination, packaged in an enjoyable but thought provoking read.
I fell in love with the characters early on, always a good start. I could identify with them, and not just because many of them are lesbians, but also because they felt like real people, with defining characteristics I recognised from the friendship groups around me. Who amongst us didn’t have, or wish they had, a coven around them as a teenager? There are quite a few characters to try and get your head around initially, but Juno Dawson does a fantastic job of providing those hooks that allow you to build and define the cast in your head. Even those that turn out to be the ‘villains’ (I’m trying not to give too much away) have lovable qualities to them that help with building an understanding of where the seeds of their views may have come from, even where there is no level of agreement with their actions. When I first started reading it, I did wonder whether it was going to be a little ‘young’ for me, but it didn’t take me long to decide that wasn’t the case. I read most of the book in one day and was distraught to find I would have to wait so long for the next one.
Her Majesty’s Royal Coven is the first in a series and I am eagerly awaiting HMRC: The Shadow Cabinet. I have also informed my partner that she needs to read it quickly because I want to talk about it, but don’t want to give the story away. I have tried so hard not to do that in this review, which means it is a little light on detail, but if you haven’t read it, you will thank me. Now go and read it!
I’ve done my time. I have my lesbian wings. Now it is time to use them!
I haven’t written in this blog since 2019, how is that even possible? The world feels like a very different place, and life has moved on so much that re-reading some of the blogs is like reading about someone else entirely. I have been thinking of reinvigorating the blog recently for many reasons, some exciting reasons, such as the start of our new LGBTQ+ business endeavours, some not so good, including a slight sense of impending doom for the LGBTQ+ community when looking at the political landscape, but re-reading my last blog made my mind up.
In my last blog in 2019 I was joking about developing a lesbian fast-track programme because my partner said I had to live the lesbian lifestyle for 5 years before I was officially a lesbian (joking obviously), and I didn’t want to wait 5 years to get my wings. Clearly the programme did not take off (there is a pun in there somewhere…wings) and the world turned into an interesting place for a while, where it was more important to remain Covid free than create pretty rainbow wings, but somehow I appear to have reached the 5-year mark (or there abouts anyway) and I think it is time to reflect. Not that I do actually fully agree with labels, I’m far more of a believer in spectrums and sexual fluidity than boxes, but labels have their value, and it is one of the ones I am reasonably comfortable with. I’m sure at some point I will share more about my thoughts on that one, although I must admit these days it will be with an awareness of a potential backlash, but more on that another time. This time I want to share my entry into the community. Not my coming out story, again that one probably needs its own blog and a lot of thought, but more a reflection on how wonderful engaging with the LGBTQ+ community has been over the last year or so, and how much I’ve enjoyed building that into my identity.
This year my partner and I decided to start a small business. Like many of you in the community I’m sure, we have stood in card shops searching for a card on Valentine’s Day/Christmas/Birthdays that fits our same-sex relationship. Knowing that the one in there is likely to already have been bought by the other one of us. Every year I searched at Christmas for gifts that somehow acknowledged us as a couple. Don’t get me wrong, we could find some, but often they were not gifts I would be happy opening or displaying in front of my Nanna. A mug with a cat saying ‘lesbians eat what?’ makes me laugh, but I can picture the thought process working its way across my Nanna’s face and I remove it from my basket. I wanted things that said ‘gay’, without saying GAY. Not because I was embarrassed, but because I wasn’t, and I didn’t want to be. I was also missing using my creative side. I had been incredibly thankful that my career in higher education meant that I was employed throughout Covid, but like many other sectors, education made for an incredibly stressful pandemic, and I was worn out and in search of an outlet.
So, sat in Costco carpark, my partner and I discussed the idea of designing, developing and sourcing our own range of inclusive gifts and cards, with the LGBTQ+ community in mind. And Deliciously Diverse Gifts and Cards was born. The stock range has evolved drastically since our first discussions. We had been thinking gifts with some sort of nod to the various flags, but that weren’t in your face as we ‘don’t all fart rainbows’, and cards that weren’t gendered but were again subtle. I thoroughly enjoyed making the hand-finished canvasses, adding gorgeous rainbow colours and sparkle. Making the things that would have appealed to us really I suppose. And padding them out with other bits, sourced elsewhere that we found pretty. But I have one of those obsessive personalities and currently I have an obsession with resin. I absolutely adore our rainbow resin dominoes sets, am loving making the rainbow chess set that I may never want to part with, and I get really excited when I get the Etsy ping saying someone has favourited, or even better bought, a wonderful ‘Pocket Penis’. Some of our stock proudly screams rainbow, others are not really Nanna friendly, and we are learning constantly. but the best bit has been attending all the Pride events as stallholders and really starting to feel like a part of the community.
We were quite nervous for our first event in York. Preparations seemed to take forever. I had a million lists (how anyone manages without lists I will never know). But it was brilliant. Since then we have been to around 14 events, all different and enjoyable for their own reasons, and we have felt welcomed at them all. We have had the chance to meet so many amazing people, including other stall holders and the event organisers like the wonderful Julie and Wayne from Sent with Pride, we have seen so many great acts perform like the Vegan Queens and Gabriella Pined-Rodrigues (divainafurcoat) and we have soaked up the atmosphere. I feel like I have finally entered the community properly and keep looking for new ways to engage where I can.
Which sort of brings me to the other reason I decided to continue blogging as the Unlikely Lesbian. It is an amazing community but currently it seems like it is under threat again. My Twitter feed is full of anxiety around the political stance people are taking around gender and the trans community and I keep seeing posts about increased homophobic or transphobic behaviour. I was lucky enough to enter this world at a point where I didn’t really have to worry about walking down the street holding hands with my partner. I don’t think anyone should have to worry about walking down the street ever. I know there were still some interesting attitudes out there. I’m not naive enough to think that the UK no longer includes people with differing and sometimes highly offensive views and opinions around sexuality and gender, but people seemed to be able to at least keep them to themselves, knowing it was neither socially acceptable nor legitimised to act on these. I would hate to see that change and I can feel the political debate around transgender and equality is starting to legitimise these people’s feelings towards the community. If the government say it’s not okay to be something, then surely they can say it too. I can see this hardening some people’s views towards the trans community and that’s worrying. The community needs to stand together. I watch programmes and read up around the history of the LGBTQ+ community and it is apparent throughout that we are stronger together, and that fear of the unknown can be changed through knowing. It may be a very small thing but now I have my wings I intend on using them where I can. Even if it is only currently to share bits about me. I am hoping my blogs help reinforce that there is nothing to be feared from difference. I am just as able to raise children, contribute to the economy, and community, maintain friendships and relationships, and occasionally be amusing as the next person, regardless of who I choose to have a relationship with. I also make amazing rainbow dominoes!
I know that one was a little heavy and soap box like so thank you to all that have read this far! If you have and you aren’t already following our shop, then here is a shameless plug for Deliciously Diverse Gifts and Cards…
Twitter @delicious_gift
Instagram @deliciouslydiverse2022
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Etsy DeliciouslyDiverse
Don’t worry, not all posts will include plugs. And hopefully some of them will actually be funny!
The Lesbian Wings Fast-track Programme
At what point can I actually consider myself a lesbian? I know most will say that it’s about self-identification, so I can identify as whatever I want however recently my girlfriend said I couldn’t get my lesbian wings until I’d been a lesbian for 5 years! That seems like an awfully long time.
5 years. A quick Google search suggests that I would get 5 years in prison for causing injury with a deadly weapon (not that I intend on doing that). Okay so that’s not exactly related, but still interesting to know. Further research suggests that as an EU National you automatically acquire the right of permanent residence in another EU country if you have lived there legally for a continuous period of 5 years. That’s slightly more relevant. If I continuously reside in lesbian land (such a lovely sounding place) for 5 years then I officially become a lesbian.
Whilst we were busy debating the length of service required to obtain lesbian status we discussed the potential for a fast-track course to shave off a couple of years and I actually I think this may be a great idea, particularly if it means I get my wings sooner (and yes I now want some actual wings). It’s clearly all meant as a bit of fun, so please don’t take offence at the clear over use of lesbian stereotypes. As an academic, course development is part of my job, this is something I could really have some fun with. I quite often tell my students that my idea of fun may be a little different from theirs but I’m not sure even they would imagine that this is how I spend my spare time. Strangely benchmark statements are not easy to come across so we turned our attention to the more interesting bits…entry requirements and of course Freshers.
Entry requirements were reasonably simple. When getting on a fast-track programme generally you’d need a degree, so we decided the equivalent of a 3 year relationship would be fine. However we decided that a 3 month lesbian relationship is equivalent to 3 years in heterosexual land, so 3 months it is. It seemed only fair to offer an alternative for mature entrants, lots of programmes value life experience over formal qualifications, therefore if the entrant was a mature student, with examples of lesbian behaviour, they would be welcome on our course.
Freshers did take far more consideration. At our institution they had little paper bags that they gave out to Freshers with some small essentials and some symbolic offerings like a marble (for when they lost theirs) and a bulb (symbolic of growth). Of course what better way to spend an evening could there be than deciding what would go in the Freshers bag for the Lesbian Wings Fast-track Programme. Our final bag has the following contents…
Acetone – for the removal of false nails.
House removal company business cards – always handy to have, just in case.
Animal rescue centre phone numbers – pets are for life though girls!
Matching stripey socks – apparently stripey socks are essential and why fight the urge to merge?
Lesbian Kama Sutra – to help cure lesbian bed death.
A bobble – to keep your hair out of her face.
Gold star stickers – clearly only to be worn by those who meet the criteria.
A rainbow key-ring – how else are the people from the outside world going to recognise you!
That should be enough to get people started. What do you think? Sounds like a fun programme doesn’t it? I strangely feel the need to actually write some course content now…
Imagined rejection: far more fun than actual rejection
For those of you who don’t know, I restarted writing a book a couple of months ago, after losing the first attempt due to my own technical stupidity. After finally getting back to the point in the story that I had previously been, I decided to share it with two people. I purposely chose two people who weren’t family, the book is a little more graphic than family need to read, and I patiently waited for their feedback. And waited. And waited. And then pretended I wasn’t bothered. And then gave up.
I’m well aware that there are very good reasons for why someone would not have the time to read my hobby, however I managed to persuade myself that they had in fact read it, and that they had decided it was so bad that they were going to pretend that they hadn’t read it, so that they didn’t have to tell me how awful it was. Isn’t it amazing what we can manage to persuade ourselves when left to our own devices?
I mean it could be true. Maybe they had read it and decided that the old adage of ‘if you haven’t got anything nice to say then don’t say anything’ should be applied. Maybe they had read one chapter and wondered how to nicely tell me to stick to my day job, which also involves writing, but in a very different, more academic form (oh dear, maybe I’m useless at that too and no one has dared to tell me). Maybe they were spending their evenings coming up with excuses in their head explaining why they hadn’t read it, which meant they were too busy to actually read it. Maybe they were waiting for me to ask so that they could say they’d been kidnapped by monkeys who had a severe dislike of lesbian fiction and when lesbian fiction was opened in front of the monkeys they turned into fire-breathing giraffes, which are nowhere near as nice as monkeys in hostage situations. Maybe that was too many maybes.
Maybe I should just ask.
But why welcome the potential for actual rejection when I can suffer from imagined rejection? Plus it’s good fun trying to come up with excuses for them. Which is of course good practice for any writer. So actually this sticking my head in the sand approach is a good thing. See, I can pretty much persuade myself of anything if I try hard enough.
I think I will ask. I may even blog about the reply. Unless the giraffes have them by then, and then I don’t think the feedback will be very good.
A reflection on PDA: whose comfort do I care about?
This blog post is inspired by something I read on Twitter today by James Finn. He was discussing the idea that gay couples might be more accepted if they stopped rubbing it in people’s faces. James argues that in reality gay people don’t push it in people’s faces, certainly not more so than heterosexual couples, and that, in relation to his life, he has “every right to live it in public as any straight person has to live theirs”. I believe this was the gist of what he was arguing anyway, my apologies James if I have not represented that as well as I could have. This got me thinking about whether I had changed my level of public displays of affection (PDA), now I’m in a relationship with a woman rather than a man, and whether this was about making other people feel more comfortable.
It’s quite a complicated one for me as there are some small parts of my life, such as my work, where my sexuality is maybe not as open as it could be anyway. Not necessarily because I’m in a relationship with a woman, it’s a little more complicated than that, but it does mean that around my workplace there would be very limited PDA. In fairness I’m not sure I’m that openly affectionate generally (my girlfriend did once compare me to a house brick, which is a little mean I think), so it would be unlikely this would be apparent near my workplace, no matter who I was in a relationship with.
Generally, other than my workplace, I don’t think it even occurs to me that I need to tone it down. Even in places where maybe it should. Before my girlfriend and I went to Morocco my mother warned us numerous times to be careful. We have been to Poland a couple of times and I forget quite quickly that discretion is probably still required there. However, on reflection maybe I am guilty of playing it down a little in certain circumstances, generally though this is only around anything directly to do with my children. Don’t get me wrong, I will happily walk hand in hand down the street while my children are present, it is not that I am hiding this from them in anyway. They have no issues with my sexuality, and from what I can tell, neither do their friends. It is more when it is something for them, something related to school, or activities outside of school, such as football.
I am a reluctant football mum. I hate football, but I love my children, so we can generally be found at the side of the football pitch on a Sunday morning, cheering the middle child on, waiting for it to be over and wishing football was more of a summer sport. This morning was particularly lovely, sat there, full of flu, freezing and soaked through. But they won, in fact they’ve won the league, and we’re now sat at home in front of the fire, in our pyjamas, so it’s not all bad. My girlfriend also sits there, freezing, alongside me and I am well aware that our relationship has probably been discussed, no doubt at length, by most of the other people there, however it is one of the places that I would be careful about ‘rubbing it in people’s faces’. Why? They all know. I don’t really care what they think, as long as it doesn’t impact on my son, so why am I still a little reticent?
It’s the same at school for my daughter. I no longer do the school run very often, she is very independent and insists she doesn’t require a chaperone home, however if I did, and when we go to school events, I know there would be something in the back of my mind that would make me hold back a little. Again, they all know. Her friends don’t appear to have any issues with it. We certainly seem to still find plenty of them arriving to play, have tea or sleepover, on a very regular basis. There are very few days where she is here without a friend, it’s quite hard to keep up with her and her social life, which we love. These friends stay here, eat with us, go out with us, even go on holiday with us sometimes, and still I would be slightly more careful about PDA around the school gates. Why?
Maybe I am just waiting for the day when it isn’t okay. The day when one of them comes home upset because they’ve been bullied for my sexuality. It’s one thing to take that risk for me, it’s another thing to take that risk for my children. Children can be horrible creatures, they bully people for anything that is different; I don’t want to be that thing for my children.
Thankfully I seem to have built very robust children. My eldest said to me a couple of weeks ago that one of his ‘friends’ had said “your mum’s a dyke”, supposedly as an insult, or to wind him up, but he just answered “yes she is”. Done, over with. My middle child, the reason my feet are still cold, doesn’t appear to have had any comments that he has felt the need to share. And my youngest has welcomed the rainbow flag into her life and can’t wait to go to Pride this year. She has a bit of a mouth on her and is more than willing to share her opinions (I can’t imagine where she gets either of those things from), so I’m sure that if anyone tried to say anything she would tell them exactly what she thought.
I very much want to show my children that it’s okay to stand out, to be different. I want to show them that you don’t have to hide who you are. I want to show them that they should be proud. However, I don’t necessarily think that kissing in public is the only way to do that. I also want to show them that I respect their right to privacy. If they want to announce my sexuality, then that is fine, but only when they are comfortable doing so.
So, on reflection, my sexuality has changed my level of PDA, in certain situations, because, like it or not, people aren’t always lovely and I want my children to have the choice about how they deal with that. This decision isn’t about making other people feel more comfortable, it’s about making my children feel comfortable. When it isn’t directly to do with my children though, all bets are off. I wish it was different and it wasn’t something we had to think about. I hope that, in a small way, we help make it different by making gay normal for all the people we come into contact with on a daily basis (even without the PDA), because in my area gay is still not considered normal. And I am very proud to say that so far my children seem to have dealt with everything incredibly well, they seem to own the fact that we are different, they are comfortable with it. I agree that I have the right to live my life in public, the same as anyone else, but then my children have the right to privacy and to choose how they live their lives too. So far they appear to be choosing well, fingers crossed it continues.
A lesbian education
Since I came into this lesbian stuff a little later in life I feel like I’m at a disadvantage when it comes to awareness of lesbian cultural references and stereotypes. I don’t even know all the different lesbian categories (I didn’t even know what a gold star was and that it’s not something I can earn) and how I fit into them. I’ve always been the type of person who feels the need to be in the know, and if I do something I like to ensure I do it properly, so I have of course been trying to educate myself on all things lesbian.
The question is where to start. L word is apparently a necessity. I’m beginning to realise it’s a bit like Friends, in that everyone has a character they would like to be, there’s something in there for everyone. I have slowly been working my way through the 6 seasons, I’m almost at the end, so no spoilers please. But just so it’s clear, I dislike Jenny very much. The L word may appear a little dated but it has managed to teach me lots of new terms, such as spaghetti lesbian, lesbian bed death (although it seems to me this isn’t a solely lesbian concept), u-haul and ‘urge to merge’, all of which are clearly essential learning for the newbie lesbian.
I’ve watched a couple of films, including Loving Annabelle and I’ve also been introduced to Sarah Waters. But now I’m struggling. How are newbies supposed to learn if there is no media to teach them through? There should be some type of lesbian dictionary, lesbian watch list and lesbian reading list, a bit like you’d get before you started a university course. So if anyone has any suggestions for how to continue my lesbian education then please feel free to let me know and I will see if I can compile a ‘reading list’.
Apparently sometimes 2+2=4
One of my students came up to me last week and said “I’ve put 2 and 2 together and think I’ve come up with 4” and smiled, I think it was supposed to be knowingly. Don’t get me wrong, I’m used to random comments from students, but it did take me a moment to catch on.
A while ago there had been some rumours about my sexuality, but it got wrapped up in other rumours so rather than accept or deny, I went with the tactic that even lecturers were entitled to a private life. Something they all seemed a little surprised by. I did however then attend a lecture I was giving on sexuality in a vest top that said ‘Keep Calm I’m a Lesbian’ (granted this was for a different class but these things have a habit of getting around in small institutions) and I carry a rainbow-coloured cup that says ‘No one knows I’m gay’. I think I must have hammered my private life point home too hard, as it appears most people have taken this as ironic rather than true. The same group of students that had been so keen to ‘out’ me, were now pushing me firmly back into a heterosexual box.
Last week, as the time for my sexuality lecture was approaching again, one of my lesbian students came to speak to me for some feedback on an assignment. When I mentioned the lecture she was very keen to ensure that I didn’t stereotype her. She is a proud, butch, lady ,who is very open to discussing her sexuality with the whole group, regardless of what the lecture is actually on. She very kindly shared some of her experiences of being a lesbian, just in case I needed any real-life examples for my lecture, which in fairness is always welcomed. The aforementioned cup was sitting proudly on the desk in front of me. I spend so much time as a lecturer trying to develop critical thought in students and yet none of them had considered that I may be gay after all. The power there is quite scary!
Once she did finally notice my cup, and my amusement at needing real-life examples for my lecture, you could see the penny drop. She did of course then want to assure me she had always known, us lesbians clearly always recognise each other. As previous posts may suggest, my ‘gaydar’ is not exactly on point, so I can hardly judge, but I’m not sure how many more props I can carry without looking like a rainbow, and it really did still appear like my lack of heterosexuality was news to her. I am tempted to get a rainbow heart tattoo but that’s another story.
Anyway, back to putting 2 and 2 together and getting 4. I managed to get through the sexuality lecture, with 3 different groups, without any of them questioning my sexuality and without my ‘lesbian in the know’ mentioning that she was in the know. Although she did give me a couple of conspirational smiles, just to make sure I knew she was keeping my, not so secret, secret. Things were starting to get complicated.
So what had she worked out? If I’d already confirmed I was gay, then where was she pulling 4 from. Well, confirming I was gay gave her 2. Seeing me with another lesbian woman, one who had been in to give a guest lecture previously, apparently gave her the other 2. And there was her 4. A bit of a jump really. Amazingly I’m not in a relationship with every lesbian woman I speak to. I generally do speak to quite a few in my working week, that would be far too time consuming.
Is it mean that I still managed to neither confirm or deny whether her 4 was well calculated? Is it really essential for students to know who I am, or am not, in a relationship with? I’m sure, at some point over the next few weeks, she will attempt to gain this information from me in another way, but for now I feel smiling and saying “sometimes people do actually get 4, but that is few and far between” is far more appropriate. Plus, if it keeps her coming to lessons, just in case I drop a clue, then she may continue to learn things that are actually relevant to her degree, which is always a welcomed bonus.
Confession time – I lost my book because I’m an IT idiot!
Okay, so it might not seem like the end of the world to everyone, but I assure you, it felt like it to me at the time. I was 18,000 – 20,000 words into writing my book and then it disappeared, poof, gone and all the IT talented people I know have been unable to help me find it again. It’s a bit like humpty dumpty really, except people aren’t bothered enough to write a nursery rhyme about it, which is understandable I suppose.
I feel that in order to fully explain this clearly traumatic event I should start at the beginning. I love books, I own hundreds and whilst I don’t go quite as far as my mother, who strokes hers and feels bad for the ones that are boxed away, I do cherish them and I’m proud of my eclectic collection. When I met my new partner and she also loved books we joked about our ever growing library and it’s potential to take over the house but noticed that we had a glaring gap in it, there was no lesbian fiction. I have plenty of sexuality related academic texts, due to my role as a social science lecturer, but no lesbian fiction. So my first gift to her, something that has become a Christmas tradition, was a lesbian fiction book for our growing library. The first one I bought her was as a result of a quick search online and I ordered the prettiest looking one that came up that was a physical copy, I didn’t even really read the blurb, I was just excited to have the first addition to our joint collection. It was awful. I’m not going to say what it was because I think it’s unfair to pull apart someone’s hard work, and maybe if I’d read the blurb I’d have realised that it wasn’t really what I was looking for at all, but it was in many ways just a tame, lesbian 50 Shades, which I’m sure has it’s place in my library, we’re very inclusive of all genres, what I found off-putting about it though was the way it was written. All the time I was reading it I kept thinking, I could do better. So it seemed only fair to put my money where my mouth was and try to do better.
This wasn’t my first attempt at writing. I’ve written a story before that was purely for my entertainment. I was never very good at being the bored housewife and mother and I did it to pass time while I was waiting to start my degree as a mature student. It’s not very good, it was the process and feeling productive that I enjoyed. I’m not even sure where it is saved anymore but I’m sure if I reread it I’d be embarrassed, so it’s not like I’m pretending that I think writing a good book is easy, but I decided to give it another go. If I couldn’t find the fiction I wanted to stock my library with, I’d write it.
So off I went. I had what I thought was a great idea that would allow me to write lesbian fiction that was a mix between humour and erotica, something that I would have enjoyed reading, but not something I thought would be easy to publish. It was great (the process, not the book, I’m not sure anyone’s first draft is great, although I prepare to stand corrected), the words kept flowing and whenever I shared parts with people they seemed to really enjoy it but there was an element of embarrassment too. As a new lesbian, should I be writing about lesbian sex? Would everyone assume I was describing my sex life? Because I wasn’t. What would happen if someone I didn’t want to read it, read it? So I only saved it on the laptop, I didn’t want it associated with my work, so didn’t save it to the cloud and the only memory sticks I had I used for work, so I didn’t save it there either. So you know what’s coming. Of course I had IT issues, of course I should have known better and of course I feel like an idiot. I was that desperate I even asked my works IT department to try and recover it for me, all the time hoping that they didn’t read it if they were successful. They weren’t. And now I am bookless.
This traumatic event happened about 4 months ago, part of the reason for starting this blog was that I missed writing but I think I’m finally ready to start again. My grieving process is coming to an end. I’ve decided that rather than try and recreate the beginning, I’m going to start from a place in the book where I was already having a couple of issues. I’d been writing a scene related to lesbian speed dating and had maybe gone a little too far with the humourous elements and knew it needed rewriting anyway. This time I will save it, lots of places. Probably still not on my works cloud though.
Before you decide I’m a melodramatic idiot, rather than just a IT related idiot, who has no idea of what real loss feels like, the drama was for effect only, I’m aware this isn’t real trauma. In fact it has provided some great moments. I loved writing. I’ve learnt some valuable lessons about IT and I have a new found empathy for my students who appear to regularly lose whole pieces of work only hours before submission deadlines. I even purchased a very good lesbian fiction book, which I will review on this blog at some point soon.
I have also joined Twitter and found a whole community of writers who inspire me daily and have provided me with new authors to read, which should make Christmas gifts easy for years to come. It is amazing to see so much passion for reading and writing, and so much support for fellow authors. I do feel left out when they talk about their WIPs though, so I think it’s time to get writing again. I really should nip out to buy a memory stick or two first though.
The Favourite – not a favourite of mine that’s for sure!
This is clearly a controversial viewpoint, particularly with The Favourite dominating at the Baftas and taking home 7 awards, but I just don’t understand the hype. I thought The Favourite was terrible, in fact the more positive reviews I read, the more certain I am that I didn’t enjoy it at all.
I went to the cinema with the other half and the mother, all of us quite looking forward to a film that promised a period feel, with a topical subtext. Part of my new lifestyle seems to include emersing myself in everything lesbian, including trying to catch up on all seasons of L Word before the new season hits, so it seemed the perfect film for a rare night out.
Within 20 minutes me and the other half looked at each other and laughed, I was so pleased she seemed just as confused as I was, it was not at all what I had expected. I’m not sure what I had expected entirely, a period drama including a lesbian love story maybe, or at least something that showed lesbianism in a positive light, it’s not like I wanted a fairytale or anything, but what I got was something a little more absurd. One of the reviews suggests it is the modernist absurdity that is one of the great things about this film, that the farcical element adds to the storyline, it does however admit an element of strangeness to this, it was the strangeness that overpowered the rest of it for me and not in a good way. It really didn’t seem to portray women in a positive light at all, instead it seemed to me to compound other stereotypical viewpoints that all women are either manipulative or slightly pathetic. Not the feel good element message I had hoped for.
The other half seemed even less impressed than me, she searched for meaning in the image upon image of rabbits at the end and hadn’t even realised there had been any sex scenes in there at all; quite telling if the lesbian in the room didn’t recognise the sex scenes as sex. My mum however seemed to like it, well she certainly liked it better than we did, which at least created some interesting debate on the drive home.
In today’s society we are seeing alternative sexualities mentioned more an more in mainstream media, which is fantastic and I hope it helps to construct a society that accepts lifestyles that don’t play into the outdated concepts of heteronormativity however, controversial as this may be, I’m not sure this film helps. Treating the first lesbian related period drama as farcical just compounds the view that lesbian relationships are farcical. I’m aware that this will be seen as extreme by some, and everyone is welcome to their viewpoint, mine is not necessairily correct but seeing the reviews talk about how the film introduces a delicate subject, through a mixture of humour and drama, makes me question if I even watched the same film.
Maybe we should watch it again, maybe the random soundtrack ruined my concentration and I missed something, or maybe my viewpoints are tainted by being too close to the subject but I can’t see it ever being a favourite for us. The popcorn was good though.
The Unlikely Lesbian 